nervous:

Definition:

anxious, fearful afraid, agitated, annoyed, apprehensive, basketcase, bothered, concerned, distressed,disturbed, edgy, excitable, fidgety, fitful,flustered, hesitant, high-strung,hysterical, irritable, jittery, jumpy, nervy, neurotic,on edge, overwrought, querulous, restive, ruffled, sensitive, shaky*, shrinking, shy, skittish, snappish, solicitous, spooked, taut,tense, timid, timorous, troubled, twitchy, uneasy,unrestful, unstrung, upset, uptight, volatile,weak, wired, worried All of the above can be used to describe me and even more so will my nerves continue to get worse within the next two weeks. I have had a lot that has occurred recently, but it is getting taken care of. I am scheduled for surgery on June 21, 2010. Let me back up to the beginning and I will try to make a long story stay somewhat short... About 4 months ago I found a lump on my right breast. Ignored it. Figured it would go away, shrink, just disappear. That did not happen. Dolan kept saying that I needed to go to the doctor, but like the little child hiding their head beneath the covers, I had my way of protecting myself...I lifted up the covers and knew (pretended) that as long as I don't see the monster, the monster can't see or hurt me. Also, yes, I am really bad, I had avoided going to the (girl) doctor since my 6 week check up after having Hannah. Again, knew there was problems there and hid under my covers. Well, I finally broke down and pulled down those covers. Just popped my head up for a breath of fresh air (it gets stuffy under the covers). And in the next brief instant I found myself on the phone with my doctors office. They got me in the following Monday. Made it to the doctors and gave them the low down...pretty hard to do when you still want to crawl back in bed and hide from all the monsters. Family history updated. Questions that the doctor asked were answered. Exam done. Not too bad. Now I am informed that I am to go over to the imaging center for a mammogram and also an ultrasound on my uterus. Hmm. Oh, and an appointment was made to meet with the surgeon to do a biopsy on the lump in my breast. Covers! Where did you go? Oh, how I want to hide now more then ever! Made it to the imaging center and had 2 rounds of mammograms and a total of 3 ultrasounds done. Not too bad. Now heading home. While picking up Hannah in Hayes Center from her Grandmother's house my cell phone rings. Who could it be you ask? Why, it is the doctor's office. Actually, it is the doctor's nurse calling asking if I could come back to the doctors office for an endometrial biopsy. I ask when and they say right away. So the next morning I head back to the doctor and this time have my husband in tow. Biopsy is quick. Doctor then explains to us that we are looking at a full and total hysterectomy. The biopsy was just the next step into getting us closer to that end result. The results from the mammogram was not back as of that time. Off to lunch at Perkins Dolan and I went. While eating our yummy meal my phone starts it's harmonious chirping. The number flashes across the screen. It is the doctor's office on the line. When I answer I am surprised to find that it is the doctor himself. He just received the results from the mammograms. My left breast is clear however, my right is showing two masses. The original lump was not even showing up, but it is there. Not only did I feel it, Dolan felt it, and the doctor felt it as well. So I was told to keep the appointment with the surgeon. Oh, how I want my covers back. Results from the endometrial biopsy came back two days later. We, Dolan and I, were then scheduled for a consultation appointment with the doctor. The results came back clean. So now we move on the the hysterectomy and what that entails for not just me but for us (Dolan, kids, and I). Because I am young for a total hysterectomy I will be needing hormone replacement therapy. It could take up to six months to find the right dosage and combination benefit and work for me. This is also a little tricky for two more reasons... 1: I have P.C.O.S. (poly-cystic ovary syndrome) My hormones have not worked, been produced, as they should be for numerous years. So, finding the proper levels may prove to be difficult. 2: Breast cancer runs in the family and HRT may increase the chance of breast cancer. Mood swings, hot flashes, irritability, night sweats, etc...just till we find the right dosage of hrt. Hmm...Sounds like me now. For six weeks I will not be able to lift anything over 10 pounds...including Hannah. No stairs for a minimum of two weeks. No driving. Just a few of the restrictions during recovery. Hannah is going to be the most difficult. She is tiny, only 28 pounds but I still will not be able to lift her. Dolan is using his vacation time for all these appointments and will be using his last week of vacation time to stay home and take care of Hannah and me during the first week. I will have Jasmyn for a little of the time but she has work and will be spending a week in Denver at her Uncle's and Aunt's. Back to the story...On the 25th of May, off to the surgeon we went. He went over the results in more detail on the mammograms and then wanted to feel the lump in question (which again, did not show up on the mammograms). yep. There is a lump. Now time for a biopsy.....OUCH!!!! Large needles, large vials, all hooked up to a vacuum. OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! He did numb the area first and I didn't feel the first one. However, the second and third went further then the numbness. OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! Then about half way home the local wore off and OUCH!!! OUCH!!! OUCH!!! A few days later the results came back and my phone, it was a ringing. The nurse from the surgeons office revealed the results, "We have the results from the biopsy. It is a tumor." Speechless am I!!! COVERS!!! WHERE ARE YOU!!! After what felt like an eternity of silence but was maybe only a second, " It is benign. A non-cancerous fatty tumor." I think then I had a bout of high pitched giggles set in. WOW! I think for future reference they need to start off with the "non-cancerous" part first. So now my time is winding down to the big day. Two weeks until the surgery. My nerves are getting away from me. I thought I was doing better, but that was because I had my covers pulled up. Now it is time for reality! Good-bye safety and comfort of living in the land of imagination!