Calling in the family...

I received the phone call last night that my Grandfather was being sent home to live out his final hours/days. For a while I have been praying that his pain would ease and God would call him home. A few years back he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and since then he has been on a downward spiral. He doesn’t know where he is half the time, what decade it is, or who other people are. It must be complete hell living inside yourself and not knowing what is going on around you. He has also needed blood transfusions on a weekly basis. His body is riddled with cancer (this is a new discovery).
His blood units are dropping dramatically. The family finally decided it was time to let him go. The doctors said it was time to call in the family to say their goodbyes. He is finally at home with his wife. He isn’t feeling any pain. They are giving him morphine. They state with the blood loss that he will just sleep his way peacefully into earthly death when Jesus calls him home.
I know that I am being selfish for I don’t want to go and see him this way. I want my last memories of my grandfather to be nice ones, not ones of him not knowing and dying. So therefore as I sit here crying, not only for him but because of my selfishness, I am waiting for the call that he is gone. My Father is braver then I am. He is flying out today to say his goodbyes. I will wait for the funeral to go back.
Since I received the call last night, I’ve been going through an inner turmoil. My nerves are shot, my stomach feels as if it is in knots, and I have a terrible headache. I know that I should go and say goodbye. But it’s too hard. Instead I stay here in my own misery.